I will apologize up front for the profanity but — if it begins with a run on toilet paper, if it involves two agonizing years of masking, distancing, and isolation, if we still have a bunch of a- -holes refusing to get vaccinated thereby putting the rest of us at risk of disease and possible death, if two of the symptoms are vomiting and diarrhea — I’m sorry folks but that by definition is a s**t show!!!
Here are my 15 COVID SS memorable moments of 2021 to which I wave good bye and say good riddance!
#1 The virus arrived with warnings to mask up, social distance, sanitize and a run on toilet paper. Not so much food and water but ‘bog roll’ as the Brits call it. Suddenly the Number Two tissue had become Number One on our pandemic survival plan. I try not to panic.
#2 Running errand, I’m trying to get the toilet paper obsession out of my head when I go into the Sally Ann store to buy jeans and Doug has a display next to the cash register “The Last Roll of Toilet Paper in Port Colborne $49.99 + tax. I do not panic.
#3 In casual conversation with the woman at the checkout counter at Canadian Tire. Me: “Strange how in the face of a pandemic, Canadians are hoarding toilet paper and Americans are stockpiling guns.”
Woman with a look of fear on her face: “I have never seen so much ammunition flying out that door… ever!” That’s when I panicked. That when…
#4 I return to the Sally Ann and buy the last roll of toilet paper in Port Colborne for $49.99 + tax.
#5 Back home. Trying to calm down with tea and the CBC. I’m only half listening as the radio announcer rhymes off school, retail and government closings and then… then he said four letters that sent me out the door, mask backwards, wallet and car keys in hand. L-C-B-O!
First thought — those bastards, they wouldn’t dare shut down the liquor store. We already have a pandemic, do they want an insurrection too?!?
#6 Standing in front of the LCBO at 9:45am waiting behind a guy wearing work boots and a construction helmet.
“You don’t think they’ll close it down do you?” “Why would they do that?” “You know, the virus.” “What virus?” “Why are you here, like early?” “I’m here everyday before it opens.”
I’m thinking that “We’re all in this together” saying may not work after all.
Guy: “What’s with the mask?” Me: “I’m thinking of robbing the joint.”
#7 Kid at Sobey’s blocks my entrance: “Are you here to do some shopping”
“No, I’m here for the goat yoga,” I want to say. “Don’t tell me they closed that down too!”
Only 30 people are allowed in at one time, he explains. When I do get in, five people are shopping and 25 are backed up at the checkout counter because… nobody knows how to bag their own groceries!
#8 Watching the White House COVID-19 briefings as President Donald Trump encourages Americans to drink bleach and sleep with a UV light bulb in their bums. That’s when I realized why Dr. Faucci was wearing a mask. It’s so Trump couldn’t see him giggling.
#9 Not a fan of President Trump. I did however send him a note of sympathy after he tested positive for the virus in which I urged him to… stay positive.
#10 As Pfizer cranks out millions of vaccines I remember they also manufacture Viagra. Why don’t they add a little of that to the mix and call it “The Ultimate Booster” Fortunately, nobody ever listens to me.
#11 A statistic showing memberships in nudist camps are up 33% since the virus hit inspired me to write “Tips For Quarantining Nudists” that included: remain naked but masked, do not fry bacon recklessly and do not get caught with binoculars strapped to your forehead. That’s bad form.
#12 Forgetting my card at home a very nice barmaid in a Port Colborne pub lets me in provided I “Pinky Promise” her that I’m double vaccinated. I am and I do and I’m so overjoyed, I cross my heart and hope to die.
The pandemic produced ugly moments of protection but also some wonderful bits of high humour.
#13 “Cute Cat In The Window” video. Says he: “All of a sudden everybody’s out walking, people with dogs and that was great. Then I noticed the people were wearing muzzles and the dogs weren’t. And I thought that’s weird! Are the people biting the dogs now?”
#14 “Sweet Little British Girl Looking Out The Window” Video.
“Mummy, what’s an alcoholic?” Mother: “Well, … see those two birds
on that wire up there? An alcoholic would see four.”
“Mummy, there’s only one bird up there.” Mother says a very bad word.
And you thought the two of you all cooped up were getting on each others nerves?!?
#15 The COVID-19 Oscar goes to the video of the locked down older British couple.
She in the kitchen yells: “Albert! Do you want something to eat!”
Albert in the living room taking a pull on a glass of red wine: “Ah, what are the choices?” She, with venom dripping from her words: “Yes and F@&%@! No!”
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com
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