Airline’s New ‘Passing Gas’ Policy. Triple Masking May Be Mandatory.

Booking an overnight flight to Europe and reading about all the erratic behaviour by airline passengers lately — I’m thinking that passing my pre-boarding COVID test might not be my biggest problem… passing gas might be.
Amid the fighting and biting, the punching and kicking, apparently flatulence is now the common manner in which passengers express their on-board displeasure during flights.
Recently, repeated rippers by a guy on a Transavia Airline flight from Dubai to Amsterdam caused a fist fight between him and the man in the next seat who’d been begging him to stop. The plane was forced to make an emergency landing in Vienna where four passengers were removed and subsequently banned from flying Transavia. They’ve been identified as “The Blue Flamer Four.”
This prompted both Westjet and Air Canada to “prohibit passengers with an offensive odour” policy. They also raised seat prices because they always do that at the drop of a… hat or a honk.
Good luck with stopping that natural gas line because according to a recent study by Delta Airlines, passengers expel 368 litres of gas during an average flight. (And here we were blaming cows for global warming!?!)
I can’t imagine what 368 litres or 13 cubic feet of flatus can do, but I’m sure you don’t want to walk into one of those tiny cabin toilets where most of it is stored.
Years ago, FAA authorities on American Airlines confirmed that a commercial flight travelling from Washington to Dallas was forced to make an emergency landing in Nashville, Tennessee, after a passenger lit two matches to disguise the scent of her flatulence.
After the smell of burning sulphur was detected on-board, the aircraft was swiftly brought down at the nearest airport and local FBI agents immediately ordered the crew of five and all 99 passengers off the regularly scheduled flight and into intensive interviews.
Treated as an act of terrorism, other flights were delayed and rerouted. Luggage was removed from cargo, and sniffer dogs (please, I’ll do the jokes if you don’t mind) were brought in to investigate. The FBI promptly put out a gag order… sorry. Details are, at best, sketchy. One thing is certain: in this case, they are definitely not paying those dogs enough treats.
Reluctantly, a woman passenger admitted she had lit two matches to cover up what she described as “a body odour.” Essentially, she pooted in public and got caught in the coverup.
Since I usually end up sitting next to the guy who spent half an hour at the airport’s entrance inhaling, ingesting and possibly eating the better part of a carton of unfiltered Marlboros, given the choice, put me next to the match-happy, fartin’ female from Fresno any day of the week.
But what I found curious about the American Airlines incident was the suspicious math. The FBI established the fact that two matches had been lit. Now, were two matches required to cover two modest but separate methane leakages? Or was the second match necessary because the first match failed to disguise the fallout from some loud, violent, internal eruption commonly called a ‘trump’ that caused the pilot to take quick and evasive action?
It’s unclear to me if the FBI was dealing with a one-time tooter or the more serious, and in this case, a life-threatening serial farter. Are they entirely satisfied that they’ve closed the case on an accidental gas-passer, or are they still looking for the conspiratorial second gun on the grassy knoll? One shot or two? The firing sequence is still a mystery to me.
In other words, is it an obvious case of Fartin’ Fran from Birmingham merely doing a one-time Vladimir? As in, Putin? Or, as the second match would suggest, did she, in fact, commit a Desmond? As in Tutu?
Witnesses confirmed that only a split second before the matches were lit, a child yelled, “Mommy, Mommy! I thought I heard a seal bark!” The two college kids across the aisle singing Who Let The Dogs Out? were entirely unhelpful.
Of course, the airline industry, following up on their new ‘offensive odour’ policy will now include a flatulence warning in their opening safety instructions.
Flight attendant: “In the unlikely event that someone on this flight cuts the cheese, please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fully fastened. Do not attempt to trap or in any way, apprehend the gas. Simply pinch your nose with your left hand, clasp your throat with your right, and make a face like you’re choking to death. This is the international symbol for Methane Alert. This signal is not to be used to express your disappointment in the in-flight meal.”
Let’s hope American Airlines never becomes the proud sponsor of the Sumo Wrestlers U.S. Tour. Forget the lighting of matches; it’ll be the first time a captain ever attempted to fly above turbulence… that was coming from inside the plane.
Still unidentified, the Tooter from Topeka has been banned from American Airlines indefinitely. The good news? She landed a $40,000 endorsement contract as the new spokeswoman for Beano. I’m suggesting “Beano up and fly right” be the theme of this new campaign.
I tell ya, with all the scary things you have to deal with while flying these days, worrying that the guy next to you is starting to suffer the effects of a bad burrito should not be one of them.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com

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