This last stretch of strange began when I was scanning the weekend NYT Book Review and spotted a just-released bestseller titled Is Superman Circumcised? If it’s a question, I’m guessing ‘yes’ and quite likely a jackhammer and a hatchet were involved because he’s like the world’s toughest guy. Forget New Year’s Eve with Anderson and Andy, try to score an invitation to that bar mitzvah!
Then, at the opposite end of the scale of strength, a baby-faced, dumbass 17-year-old kid named Kyle Rittenhouse, not old enough to buy a rifle, took an AR-15 across state lines, killed 2 people and wounded a third in Wisconsin and a judge and could not find him guilty of a single crime including jay walking, which he was doing as he ran down the middle of the street waving to police in armed vehicles who thanked him and handed him a bottle of water. The mind boggles, freezes a bit and then shivers.
Somewhere between the ‘Man of Steel’ and ‘Pudge’ comes that domestic terrorist in Haiti, an ex-cop who managed to amalgamate nine vicious street gangs and take 17 American and Canadian missionaries hostage and is now controlling the country’s supply chain and demanding the PM step down… and his name is Jimmy ‘Barbecue’ Cherizier. Right now he’s the most powerful man in Haiti. Fast forward to next year when “Today at the United Nations. Haitian Prime Minister ‘Jimmy The Barbecue’ addressed the assembly of 193 sovereign states, urging them to marinate their meat in the fridge overnight and keep a clean and well-greased grill.”
Then things really went off the rails when a news leak revealed Wiarton Willie faked his own death. Actually, Willie’s handlers, including the mayor of Wiarton, faked the poor bugger’s life. Using a big brown last minute substitute in to perform the annual February 2nd ‘Shadow Ceremony’, nobody made mention that the albino prognosticator had died of an abscessed tooth months before. The new groundhog, unable to see his shadow, predicted that there was not enough evidence to lay charges.
Then a pack of 14 Eurasian wild boars were spotted ripping up the countryside north of Pickering in a section of the Ontario Greenbelt which prompted a startled Premier Doug Ford to say: “Wait! What? There’s still some greenbelt I haven’t paved?!?”
Apparently these aggressive and invasive porkers are resistant to everything including bullets. A boar’s coat is so wirey, hunters need to shoot three times to finish one off. But as the trappers in the Greenbelt discovered they cannot resist ‘fluffernutter’ a mash up of marshmallows and peanut butter. Which when you think about would make an excellent, new Beiberbit flavour.
Then, in a stormwater pond in Ancaster, Fisheries and Oceans Canada scientists discovered ‘Chunks’, an obese, orange goldfish that weighs an ungodly four pounds and is shaped like a football. ‘Chunks’ is the only remaining fish in that pond that was once the home to as many as 40,000 other fish. Their collective nickname was “Snacks”.
Then the anti-vaxxers took the stage of strange when, after attacking and intimidating doctors, nurses, nursing home workers and disrupting a Remembrance Day ceremony for our veterans — they went after ice cream?!?
After the iconic Chapman’s ice cream company offered a pay raise for vaccinated employees, the truth-deniers and pro-diseasers trashed Chapman’s online and called for a boycott of their product. Please, buy all the Chapman’s you can as they come up with new flavours like ‘Pistachio For Droolers’ and ‘Clotted Covid Cream To Die For’.
These ‘vaccine dodgers’ of which there are still about three million in Ontario have a new hero. A dentist in Milan, Italy is now facing possible criminal charges after he tried to obtain the country’s Superhealth Pass by receiving a jab into a fake arm made of silicon. Italian police will now try to determine if he has also implanted a fake organ where his brain would normally be. Two years into the worst plaque since The Spanish Flu of 1918 and we’re still begging and bribing citizens to complete a simple task that could save lives, theirs and ours. Incroyable.
Then suddenly the new COVID mutation, “Bubblehead-18” popped up in Saudi Arabia where despite pleas from the widow of Jamal Khashoggi, murdered by the head of state Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, Justin Beiber performed a pop concert.
It’s important to note that Beiber strutted his stuff in the city of Jeddah and not Riyadh where public beheadings are routinely held on Deera Square, also known as “Chop-chop Square”.
By appearing in a country that put 184 people, mostly dissents, to death in 2019, Justin Beiber stoled the “Worst Commercial Decision of 2021” away from Tim Hortons who crawled into corporate bed with him just last month.
By subtracting The Beib’s personal wealth of $285 million from what it will be after the Saudi Arabian gig, we will be able to establish what it costs to sell your soul in today’s market. ‘The Beib’ gets his peaches down in Georgia and personal advice from Kayne West. ‘Ye’, he does.
As 2021 comes to a close (loud applause here!) the world gets stranger than a meme without a window or even a wall.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com
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