My “Pandemic Pinky Promise Procedure”— Trust Will Set Us Free.

This gd &#%! No good X!!X! Hellish ^?$! of a s**t show pandemic is making us all a little screwy!
We’ve gone from lockdowns to grand openings four times in four waves. We almost had the original COVID-19 cornered and then it did a head fake mutation and circled round behind us again.
This invisible enemy has screwed up the kids, pissed off just about everybody and made residents of nursing homes wondering if homelessness might not be a better option.
The US border was closed for a year and a half and Canadians felt relieved. Now that its open with silly stipulations and unnecessary tests, most of us are too confused to cross it.
I get a pain in my brain when I read that we have doctors and nurses and retirement home workers… who refuse to get vaccinated. In a real war that would be tantamount to frontline soldiers refusing to wear helmets and bullet proof vests.
Vaccine passports are the obvious and most efficient way to let us venture out and travel and we can’t even agree on that! But wait. There’s hope. I’ve had this pandemic epiphany and I’m here to lead us out of this mess.
Last week, having been deluged by data and confounded by rules that keep changing, it was great just to go out for a drink.
After “Bocce In The Park,” my buddy Stevie and I went out for a beer and wings at a bar in Port Colborne that shall remain nameless but far from shameless. After dealing with an awful lot of people in retail who seem to really not like people, the young bubbly girl behind the bar was a refreshing treat.
First she pulls two pints of Coors Original Banquet, a favourite beer of mine, then she says: “Sorry, I need to see proof of vaccinations.” Stevie flashes his cellphone at her and then drifts down the bar to talk to another ex-pro hockey player, like himself.
As the last man in Canada to use a cellphone for its intended purpose — emergencies — I ask for a moment and shoot out to the car for my certificate of vaccination, which I have had laminated and secured in my travel sachel. That’s when I discovered that my zip-up pouch was not in the car but in my office where I’d been mapping a route for an upcoming road trip because I’m also the last man in Canada who refuses to be ordered around by that annoying GPS voice.
Back at the bar I explain my predicament to the young barmaid, assuring her that I’ve had both jabs, both Pfizer, right over there at the Vale Centre and…
She beckons me closer, reaches across the bar and presents her baby finger to me.
“What’s that?”
“Pinkies.”
“Pinkies?!?”
Then summoning up my hand, we lock little fingers and she says: “Pinky promise you’re double vaccinated.”
“I pinky promise I’ve had both shots!” We give each other a thumbs up and she passes me my pint of beer. I swear it happened just like that.
At Queen’s Park in Toronto they’re still debating the merits of a vaccine passport while in Port Colborne, ‘pinkies’ are all the proof you need.
I will now submit a proposal to Premier Ford’s Science Advisory Team recommending that the complicated and controversial vaccine passport under consideration be replaced with my all-new “Pandemic Pinky Promise Procedure.” Hands must be sanitized before and after baby fingers are intertwined.
I know what you’re thinking — with a killer virus still on the loose we’re going to confirm double vaccinations by interlocking baby fingers?
No, of course not. Other fingers or even thumbs could be interlocked and exactly which fingers to be engaged would be mutually decided upon by “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.”
This finger hooking ritual would suffice for bars, restaurants, gyms, retail outlets. For more serious ‘super spreader’ venues like concerts and sports stadiums, attendees would be required to double down on the pinky promise by also crossing their hearts and saying “Cross my heart and hope to die.”
Yesterday, Greyhound Lines announced they will resume bus transportation between Canada and the United States. In that case, passengers would have to pinky promise, cross their hearts and hope to die as well as accept a “double dog dare” from the driver that they’re not lying about their vaccination status.
Should there still be any doubt whatsoever in any of the aforementioned situations — retail, travel, entertainment etc — all disputes between client and management would be settled by ‘rock, paper, scissors.’
Nobody would dare lie about being vaccinated because the ‘pinky promise’ allows a person to break the finger of the person who broke the promise. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
My “Pandemic Pinky Promise Procedure” will take at least a month to be implemented into law by the Ontario Government so “Apples, peaches, pumpkin pie, whoever’s not ready HOLLER!!”
Pinkies! Who knew? After our server gave us the bill I followed her down to the end of the bar for two very good reasons.
First, I had to personally compliment her on her efficiency, trust and friendliness because too often customers only comment on the service when it’s been bad.
Also, I know Stevie’s a very impatient guy and if I stay away for even a few minutes, he always pays the tab.
Laugh all you want, PPPP will be as effective as anything our leaders have proposed so far. Plus it’ll be a helluva lot more fun.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com

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