You had to know that when a helicopter crashed near Brantford after clipping a power line and then landed on… Powerline Road, we were in for a wild ride of ironic shenanigans over these past few weeks. The 35-year-old female pilot will survive fractures and related injuries after stretching her luck to the nth degree by bringing the crop duster down on the front lawn of The Grand Valley Christian Centre. Cross yourself and get thee to a lottery kiosk ASAP!
Police had no trouble responding to the crash because every car involved had proper license plates not like the fake ones made from diaper boxes by a 37-year-old Brantford man who has now been arrested. Possibly inspired by Premier Doug Ford’s ID vehicle venture — how hard can it be to make a license plate? — The Brantford “arts and crafts” guy is now looking at a hefty fine because apparently the words “Pampers” and “Swaddlers” are not supposed to appear above “Yours To Discover.”
Sticking tenuously to the topic of transportation, Californian professional skateboarder Tony Hawk has given 100 vials of his blood to be used for limited edition skateboard surfaces in a partnership with Liquid Death Mountain Water. Each vile will be infused with paint and used to colour the $500 boards which are already sold out.
So if your kid is thinking of taking up the official Olympic event of skateboarding make sure he knows there will be pails of blood, possible death and tons of money involved. Or you could sign him up for minor league soccer where so far nobody is promoting a $500 ball made from brain cells.
All this would be lost at the Bare Oaks Family Naturist Park in York Region where right now people are sitting around the pool and rubbing sunscreen on their private parts. According to Greg Snow, President of the Federation of Canadian Naturists, membership in ‘nudie camps’ is up 35% since the pandemic hit. His theory? “People are seeing their mortality.”
Well, they’re seeing more than that! “Hello Mrs. Robinson, I see the girls are doing fine.” At Canadian naturist parks members are encouraged not to wear clothing, not to fry bacon and not to be seen with binoculars strapped to their foreheads.
Words never uttered by a true naturist — “Honey, does my ass look fat in this?” (Any answer by the guy that does not begin with “no” ends with “And that’s when the fight broke out!”)
Well, sorry but thanks to Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian big butts are all the rage these days. The Aesthetic Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that 40,320 buttock augmentations were performed in 2020 alone. And no, the associations logo is not: “We give you more bum for your buck.”
The most notable butt enhancer might be that of Houston’s Diana Dayyani who saw the perfect figure — “That hourglass look.. the small waist, the nice, beautiful hips” — and just had to have it. Who’s figure was she worshipping? Jessica Rabbit, the cartoon character in the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit. So she underwent breast reduction for $7,400 and got the Brazilian Butt Lift for $9,190 plus non-insurance hospital and anesthesia fees averaging $24,900. Total $41,490 US for the kind of big caboose that most women would buy a stationary bike… to get rid of!
Let’s hope Diana does not tire of looking like Jessica Rabbit and instead takes a shine to Disney’s Daisy Duck. Never mind the low waddling bum, that beak is going to cost her at least $20,000!
For my money, there’s only one person on earth who legitimately needs cosmetic work done on the rear-end and that’s Leston Lawrence who smuggled $190,000 worth of gold pucks out of the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa… in his rectum.
Now that guy’s sorry ass must be touching the back of his shoes by now and… no. Wait. He did not smuggle all the gold out at once. My mistake. Sentenced to 30 months in jail, Lawrence was also ordered to pay back the $190,000 and they’re hoping he will bring the gold pucks back to them in a big box or a duffle bag. No Leston, you will not be allowed to squat on the receptionists desk at the mint and pay back what you stoled. Okay?
In Toronto where they are celebrating 100 years of complaints about the high cost and poor service of the Toronto Transit Commission, kids are videotaping themselves hanging from the back of speeding subway cars. These videos and others showing young people running through train tunnels and climbing cranes appear on TikTok. It’s hard to punish these kids for practising what someday might be official Olympic events. How close are we to legalizing “Barreling Over Niagara Falls” and betting on the survivor?
In The States TikTok is also showing the latest social media challenge in which risk takers climb up stacks of milk crates piled high in the shape of a pyramid. Many of them crash, falling to the ground awkwardly and nearly breaking their bloody necks.
Tweeted Conan O’Brien: “Waiting for FDA approval before I take the milk crate challenge.”
Canadian kids are so much smarter than American kids because although they too will soon be climbing pyramids of milk containers for no apparent reason, these of course will be plastic bags of milk. The worse that can happen when you crash is a quick bath in 1% skim. Remember when the Americans mocked us for selling milk in plastic bags?
“Irony — a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.” Amusing provided nobody dies.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com
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