This Column Started To Cross The Border But Ended Up In The Toilet

Man, it feels good to almost get back to normal.
After a chaotic election that created unrest instead of change, after the fourth wave of the COVID-19 has eased off until the fifth arrives, after the release of the two Michaels and a temporary truce with China, not to mention gorgeous fall weather — a bit of a calm has settled across the land. Ordinary. Routine. Good.
I swear I began to write this column about getting back to business as usual and going to The States but then I heard about this guy driving in heavy traffic on Hwy. #401 who had to go pee. So he called 911.
“This is your emergency? That you have to pee?” asked a stunned 911 operator. “How are the police going to help you urinate?”
The man was apparently surprised that — along with a gun, a baton, a taser and a bodycam — police officers do not carry catheters and empty water jugs.
Although the people at 911 are rather annoyed, the company that makes Depends has offered the man a lucrative contract to appear in their new “Traffic Jam Tinkle Kit” ads.
So I tried to reset my mind on regularity, sorry, normalcy when this pooped, sorry popped up: “Pee and Poo are Metro Vancouver’s latest mascots for public toilet training.” Apparently they are intended to remind citizens that only pee, poo and toilet paper are to be flushed down toilets along with the guy who came up with this idea. Should anybody still be confused about what can and cannot take the plunge down the dunny… call 911.
I’d written only two lines about the Canada/US border opening when I remembered a piece in this morning’s newspaper about how husband and wife, actor Daryl Sabara and singer Meghan Trainor, have identical, side-by-side porcelain toilets in their bathroom. I only tell you this hoping that the image of those two answering the call of nature together has now been transferred from my brain to yours. Pass it on.
It occurred to me that all this scatological rambling was enough to drive a reader to drink. But, no. Don’t. First you don’t want to get caught in gridlock without a plastic bladder bottle and second, you might not find yourself.
Like the man in Turkey who got so drunk he went missing from his village and later stumbled into a group of people with flashlights who were looking for him. He tramped the nearby woods with them for hours. It wasn’t until somebody yelled his name that he realized he had joined his own search party. Fortunately there was no reward; otherwise by simply raising his hand when he heard his name called, he would have been awarded enough money to go on another bender.
Worse yet, all this privy nonsense might be enough to… Don’t. First, you’re one call away from a suicide hotline and second, it doesn’t always go as planned. A man in New Jersey jumped nine stories from a high-rise onto the roof of a black Beemer 330i and lived. After exploding the windows and crushing the roof, the man jumped off the car and asked, “What happened?”
“You fell,” said a woman passing by and with no signs of urinary distress… she called 911.
To his credit and I’m not making this up — the jumper who covered 100 feet in about four seconds was wearing a face mask!?! He thanked God for saving his life which brought me to Ozzy Osborne who recently thanked the devil for saving his life.
After “my wife had the virus, my daughter had the virus and I never got it,” Ozzy thanked Lucifer. The former member of Black Sabbath — who once offered to share his cocaine with a British Airways flight attendant and was barred from Germany for urinating in a fellow diner’s glass of wine in a posh restaurant — is a follower of Lucifer.
“Being a devil worshipper does have its good points,” said the guy who was also arrested by a cop for peeing on the officer’s cruiser. And yes, if you witness a person taking a piddle in your Pinot Noir or as the Brits say, draining the radiator on an official police vehicle then yes… you can call 911.
Now knee deep in the proverbial outhouse, the column did in fact cross the border into Wisconsin where police are trying to locate a sculpture stolen from an art fair last month. “Dumpty Humpty” is a large, bronze nursery rhyme character sitting on a toilet with his pants around his ankles and a book in his hands. It’s not exactly Rodin’s “The Thinker” but it is worth $1400. (Please make up your own joke here that rhymes with Rodin’s masterpiece.)
I started to worry that I might have paruresis, an obsession of toilets until I remembered I do own a roll of toilet paper with Donald Trump’s photo gracing each and every tissue… and I thought yeah, that’s entirely possible.
I sincerely apologize for writing this column which began with good intentions and a drive through Western New York and ended up in the loo. It might explain why I wet the bed until my second year of marriage.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com

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