So about three years ago No Frills launched their ‘Hauler’ line of clothing and to match the store itself, all items are yellow. I thought great — that’s where I want to buy my bright yellow boxer shorts, scarves, T-shirts and sweatshirts because I’ve always wanted to dress to be seen… by people on the space station.
A spokesperson said the clothing line was meant to reward customer loyalty and I’m thinking — you raise your price just 2% above that of Food Basics and up goes the yellow “For Lease” sign in front of your yellow building.
Then Justin Bieber launched his ‘Drew House’ line of clothing, all distinctly stamped with a great big yellow happy face and I thought… how clever. Because I always wanted to walk around looking like the most overused and unoriginal meme on the planet. Plus, it’s yellow, so I could accessorize by wearing a yellow hoodie over yellow boxer shorts and scare school children during Halloween.
I thought ‘The Bieb’s’ togs might be available at my local No Frills supermarket/clothing outlet but no, the supply was so limited you had to actually enter a draw and win the privilege to purchase his items.
The sheer originality of Bieber’s choice of colour jumped out at me. I wondered if, in one of his creative meditation sessions he was reminiscing about the yellow yolk dripping off the side of his neighbour’s house that he egged near Los Angeles. Or was it the yellow pee he squirted into that mop bucket in a restaurant in New York. Or maybe the yellow caution flag the police threw up when he was arrested for drag racing on a residential street in Miami. Yellow, the colour of kookoo bananas.
Then didn’t the pop star who once claimed Anne Frank would be his biggest fan, a ‘Belieber’ manage to score a ‘limited collection collaboration of clothing’ with the Toronto Maple Leafs. When you think about it — what pro sports franchise wouldn’t want to be closely associated with a celebrity who was once caught trying to cross an international border with an undocumented monkey?!?
Unfortunately, you can’t buy a stuffed toy rendition of Bieber’s pet capuchin monkey because poor little O.G. Mally is now holding a tin cup and attached to an aging organ grinder on a street somewhere in Germany. But for $78 you can purchase “Carlton”, a Toronto Maple Leaf teddy bear with a ‘The Bieb’s’ big yellow happy face smile. For just $238 (plus tax) you can purchase a pair of bright blue Drew House sweatpants, again with Carlton looking at you… and equally astounded.
Prospective purchasers are warned that those flashy sweatpants, at roughly the same price as I paid for my first car, are in very limited supply. But for me … that supply can never be limited enough.
At this point I should caution you that I’ve never done hard drugs, never suffered a serious concussion and I am not making this stuff up!
Now that should have been the end of these sort of preposterous for-profit partnerships between the richest franchise in professional hockey that hasn’t won a Stanley Cup in 52 years and the kid who not all that long ago was caught on a security camera stealing a bicycle.
However just last week Justin Bieber, who spits on people and beats on people convinced Tim Hortons that they weren’t selling enough sugar-laden hunks of dough. Apparently children were beginning to show signs of calmness. So voila! Timbiebs!
Honest. Bieber came up with the flavours of these Timbits himself — birthday cake waffle, sour cream chocolate chip and chocolate white fudge — calories to die for, type 2 diabetes in a box of ten. You have to see the sales video on You Tube; it’s ten times funnier than it’s supposed to be.
Timbiebs! You’d think they’d be yellow and come in flavours of banana and lemon with yellow happy face memes on top. Trust me, I will walk into a Tim Hortons and order a box of Timbiebs the day the guy behind me says: “Keep moving! I swear this thing is loaded!”
As a pre-promotional, Bieber ventured out in public wearing a yellow hoodie over a yellow shirt and was promptly stung half to death by an oversized and angry bumblebee played by the late John Belushi.
It’s a shame that at $269 (tax included) they’re not within my wardrobe budget because I always wanted to appear on the cover of Vogue magazine in blazing blue tight sweatpants and a yellow knit toque over a yellow chiffon scarf next to actor Harry Styles in a Gucci jacket and a white cotton dress fitted with a Harris Reed Victorian crinoline even if it was just to make Dennis Rodman jealous.
The good news is that Justin Bieber’s aspirations to become the Jeff Bezos of clap trap merchandising might be slowing down. First, he did not partner with Burger King when they introduced a blazing bright camouflage shirt to cover the sloppy spillage of ketchup, BBQ sauce, cheese and mustard from an oozing Whopper. Then he failed to get in bed with Kentucky Fried Chicken when they introduced pillowcases featuring the face of Colonel Sanders. Shame, because Bieber could have introduced his all-new Chicken McNutters and go head-to-head with McDonald’s.
Seriously, if this world gets any wackier, Donald Trump will not be the next president of the United States. Bum Farto, the drug-dealing former fire chief of Key West will be America’s next Commander-in-Chief.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything email: williamjthomas@gmail.com
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